How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
