I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
