i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
