Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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