Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
