I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
