So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
