Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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