I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
