Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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