if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im six kinds of drunk right now
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Let's paint friendship bongs
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
