Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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