Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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