EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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