So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We need a shit load of segways right now
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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