Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
