I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
