never play flip cup with pint glasses
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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