how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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