my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
