And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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