I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
