she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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