I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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