I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Success! We fucked roommates!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
