Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
