he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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