btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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