hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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