I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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