i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
