All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
