wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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