I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Michael Bay diarrhea
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
