I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
