god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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