I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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