Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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