someone owes me an orgasm
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You've changed since you got that strap on
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
