I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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