Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
