There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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