Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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