dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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