I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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