I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
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