i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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