If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
