I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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