I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
