My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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