By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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