Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
