God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
