Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
