He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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