Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
