dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
