i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
