at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
