dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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