We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
