So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
