its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
